And Now For Something Completely Different

Kraken Quits

I walk into the hall of cubicles that I used to work in after walking away with my laptop, a fateful sign of a last day in my work place, I look to all my coworkers/friends and say “Well guys, today is my last day.”

“Yeah we figured, when you walked away with your laptop we kinda saw it coming.” Said a girl that started at the same time as me. “Is this a good thing or a bad thing?” asked one co-worker who wanted to know if there was a second wave of layoffs coming. “Where are you off to next? Another software company in the city?” asked my mentor who was under the assumption that I had a plan.

“Definitely a good thing, I chose to leave. I need to deal with some stuff in my life.” I answered truthfully, I had taken 3 days worth of PTO last week and none of that space had helped me feel better, coming into work to push through it wasn’t solving my depression problem either. “As for where to next: probably home. I’m exhausted.” And I was, physically and mentally.

That morning I had felt sick to my stomach. I had just had 5 days of no work and 3 of them were actually quite enjoyable and didn’t consist of constant naps, binge watching tv, and wallowing in self pity. However, facing the idea of going back to work made me want to vomit, my body felt like a it was 3 times heavier than usual, and any movement was as exhausting as spending 30 mins at the gym.

The worst of it all was that my mind wasn’t playing nicely either! Half of it was telling me lies about how I’ll never be happy again, I’ll die alone, no job will ever be fulfilling, and sometimes it even tried to convince me that I should give up and quit life in general. These thoughts weren’t new to me, I’d had them before and I knew they were lies. I dealt with depression my Junior year of college, after a dull internship and unending degree path ahead of me. I made it through that year and the next thanks to a plethora of therapist and drugs (some prescribed and some not) with a degree in hand. I told myself “If I could make it through that then surely I could make it through 2 more months of work.”

Then there was the other half of my brain which was plotting ways out. I was lucky that I had something tying me to the dock since most days when I feel like this my mental ship is a drift at sea. My better half was thinking “You could be a teacher, live in a van, go full time with your blog, go back to school.” I wasn’t about to jump ship from this good job for some harebrained[1] scheme, or so I thought. This part of my brain kept ticking away, unfortunately so did the other half. At some point I made the realization that if I’m this miserable right now I am never going to like what I am currently doing, it doesn’t matter if I’m leaving in 6 years, 6 weeks, or 6 hours. Also I have enough saved up that I could quit right now and the only reason I’m staying is for more money and more safety. I want to live a life of enough though, right now I have enough to quit and survive for at least a year. So I had to ask myself “Why are you putting yourself through this misery? There’s never going to be a good or easy time to quit so let’s just quit now!”

I didn’t have a good reason besides “Because I want more” and “Because I’m afraid of the change.” So I emailed my boss my 2 weeks notice. A few hours later someone from HR called me and said “Do you actually want to put in 2 more weeks here? We can work with you to get you out sooner.” I took the leave sooner rather than the leave later option and filled out the necessary paperwork and by 5:30 pm I was done with working in a cubicle doing a job I didn’t want to do… for at least the next year.

I didn’t have a plan, still don’t, of what’s coming next while walking out the office doors but I knew myself well enough to know that if I stayed there I wouldn’t ever actually formulate a plan. I figured I’d do what I had done the past few weeks which was bitch & moan about work, come up with ideas but never execute them, and think about all the things I want to write but not actually have time to sit down and write them. Since I’ve quit I have eliminated all the bitching and moaning, my friends are quite thankful. I have come up with some ideas of what I want to do and I’m formulating what a successful year off looks like, I’ll be executing a plan soon. I’m happier right now, but I’m not sure if that’s because I’m just onto something new, I guess only time can tell.

Afterwards

[1] I always thought this was “hair brained” but it’s actually hare as in rabbit.

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